But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. I generally agree with Wendy, but would add that LW should talk to her husband about the critical view hes taking of his daughters hobbies, the escalating fights between him and the daughter and his way of interrupting conversations between LW and her daughter that annoy him. I hope the LW sees your comment. EVER. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. 6napkinburger I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. My comment obviously wasnt clear. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. It struck me the wrong way, too. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? lemongrass That is why he is pushing her to explore new things. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? But hes so cute when hes excited about something. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. No. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? Its important to remember that it is not always your fault if your partner and child dont get along. I thought that was actually really funny. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. I agree with Wendy here. If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. Your husband sounds like a jerk. We are this little team of 2. I was afraid the BS stood for something else. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? I cried myself to sleep. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? Skyblossom And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. To me, I imagined them insisting on listening to Buffy podcasts in the car Something that would make me either toss the ipod out the window or leave certain people at the curb, painted_lady if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. Is there crap out there? And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Liquid Luck The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. It will also provide a model for her of living a rich adulthood, embracing passions and sharing passions them with the people you love (and showing interest in their passions!). In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . WWS. Seriously? They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. Who knows? Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! Just. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. 2.5K views, 176 likes, 19 loves, 3 comments, 12 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Inframundo Relatos: SPOTIFY:. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. What kind of history and science is your husband into? My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). I have to just try harder.. He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. Saying later that night will you ask the spagetti head to pass the salt IS making fun of their child and it is healthy. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. Good luck! 1. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. How so? But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. July 2, 2013, 12:42 pm. My point is that he is sort of entitled to have a threshold of finding the interests of a 12 year old girl annoying. I just dont get it. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. bittergaymark I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. Skyblossom My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) Its already happening. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. , so i guess it cuts both ways. He is also very critical of both of US She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. he wants to teach her to drive. Thats still not OK. sarolabelle He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. Grow up, already. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. Definitely! You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. He was much kinder to them.) If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. 1. Older and (hopefully) wiser My dad would also try to do things we liked. lets_be_honest He. I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. Do not let that behavior continue. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. Ha! Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. Tell her how much he appreciates it. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. I take little credit for how lucky I am. Forget it. This part is simple: You must never let them in a vehicle with this man driving. If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. Those twin feelings are what create the strong urge to come back with intense commitment after each escape.. See a different horoscope: Select Liquid Luck July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! . My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. What is arguable? And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. 6napkinburger Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. Plus he writes strong female characters, which is good for any girl growing up to identify with. YES! Definitely. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. We were so thrilled. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? What is this site, a Masters program? Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. I think I read this differently than Wendy. July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. You're surely not alone. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. Its her birthday today So Im taking her out for a steak dinner and then were going to watch fireworks (which she has decided the city has put on for her). When I surprised her with it, she told me that we dont have any friends and why would I think that shed want to waste a whole weekend in some hotel when we could be painting the bedroom and actually accomplishing something. Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. Interested in science? lets_be_honest To me, there are some red flags in this letter; the fathers ridicule of the daughters interests, and his labeling her as lacking initiative because shes not into the same things he is, jump right out at me. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? Great suggestion! lets_be_honest Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. Usually sharks.). One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. A: There are two things to consider here. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary Addie Pray only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. No. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? Apparently I am super wrong about This Old House my college friends would just give me a blank stare if I brought it up.